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midnight21
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I'm not going to lie, but this was something I dealt with quite a bit in the past. I didn't have an easy life and my prayers never seemed to get answered so it was very easy for me to lose faith in God and struggle with trust, becoming a skeptic. When I was ten years old and 24, I went through a short term period of having agnostic beliefs. I was ready to leave Christianity for good and pretty much abandon every form of hope there is knowing I won't ever get it.
But somehow something drew me back to God and I became a born again believer. I still struggle with doubt and trust, but it's growing since my grandma died. Even though most of my prayers are still ignored and I'm still looking for a direction, my most important ones concerning my friends were answered in big ways. My most recent case with my Swedish friend was one of them. A true miracle. That made me believe again wholeheartedly.
I just wish I'd get some solid answers on direction so I can finally get the right education and be on my way instead of remaining idle and searching... Boyfriends just don't matter to me anymore. Wanting love still matters to a small point but... i just don't have faith in that anymore. Or the churches. It all seems too corrupted to me now. All I want is a strong sense of purpose and belonging.
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Saturday, July 11th, 2009
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midnight21
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| Time: | 10:48 pm. |
| Mood: |  uncomfortable. |
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Check out the orb in this photo. I'm pretty sure that this is not a dust speck or light. I have taken several photos of this location before and nothing shows up. This one however did pick up something. This is yet another theory that this place really is haunted, along with catching a glimpse of a shadow figure at my door. What else could be the cause of me going crazy here?
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midnight21
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So today I tried to go to the bank by the grocery store so I can trade in coins for dollar bills. They had a deposit machine at the grocery store itself by the service desk but I found out that it charges me for every dollar by .8 cents. So I go to the bank part of it. Of course, being as inconvenient as they always has been, the bankers tell me that they don't do that anymore and i have to go to sawyer. I left the place in a cranky mood since I didn't have the time, patience or a car to be going to other banks.
After I calmed down a bit, I ended up putting the coin jar into my messenger bag and went to good will. got a couple floral pictures to hang on the wall by my bed a frame that was originally from hobby lobby and one of those ceramic tea pot mugs. I had one of those during childhood but it was lost. at least I managed to replace it with a better design.
other than the annoyances with the bank, it's not a bad day and the weather is nice and sunny. Perhaps I should head to the park again as the sun starts to set...
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midnight21
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I swear to god. Everyone seems to come to me lamenting about their boyfriends lately. Not that it's a bad thing but it sure makes me appreciate being single...
I wonder if I should be a relationship counselor.
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midnight21
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Just a few hours ago I was at the computer hanging around on facebook. April bugs me on there and asks if I could hang out for awhile at the park. I said okay and we stayed there for a few hours. I'm just glad that she's no longer mad at me about the michael jackson thing and finally sees my point about not wanting to deal with another funeral.
As for the things she said about me worrying about the stupidest things, I found myself wondering what the very core of it might be and I suspected my apartment. The very moment I approached the building for the first time 5 years ago I had really bad fits of anxiety rushing through me and it had been a bad problem ever since. However, when I'm away from that place, I'm perfectly calm and remarkably normal. As if depression/anxiety almost never existed.
Then april said to me that it might be the size of my place saying that it was nice, but tiny. Could that be it? Am I claustrophobic? I never thought of myself as claustrophobic since I've slept in campers and tents in the past but it might have a play... and the stale, dated environment. Maybe I should do a little psychology research on this. I might be onto something. As for a cure, I really don't know what to do about this until I'm out of here.
I just pray that I do get out of this place soon... God will make a way right?
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midnight21
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| Time: | 11:26 pm. |
| Mood: | numb. |
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What makes people feel complete besides family, friends, and boyfriends?
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Wednesday, July 8th, 2009
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midnight21
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Granted, I've had a somewhat bad day dealing with grumpy people and other things that annoyed me quite a bit. However, things got much better in the evening when I talked to my newish friend Megan Mueller and I was unexpectedly invited to go to life fest with her. I would love to go but there was one major problem: Money. I couldn't even afford groceries this week. Then she brought up the fact that we could volunteer for four hours and get into it for free. Without giving it a second thought I was like okay! and decided to go friday if things work out. Besides- volunteering, even on a short level would help my resume and a lot of good is going to come out of it. and I'd have quite a bit of fun.
Another great thing is that my friend Becca left Canada early this morning at 9AM and is getting pretty close to Sweden now. Her mother just left the house to pick her up. Knowing that she's going to be okay and safe from her soon to be ex fiance, I can now sleep and live in peace. I know it sounds silly but I'm the type of person who never rests until I know that my friends and family in trouble will be okay, putting forth a lot of effort to help them. I've always been like that- ridiculously compassionate and perhaps a little over protective. Maybe this would reflect my future? I really don't know.
I do know one thing for sure: things are starting to get better and that July may actually be a good month. About time.
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midnight21
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| Time: | 6:50 pm. |
| Mood: |  aggravated. |
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I am very stressed out right now. Not only am I worried about a friend, now I have april on my ass about Michael Jackson, making me feel as if I couldn't express my thoughts about him, even if I was being civil about it. What is so wrong about wanting to avoid the jackson coverage wanting to move onto something else? I don't get it. April is a lovely person, but I wish she'd respect other people's opinions and not shove things down people's throats. That really bothers me. Naturally, she's pissed off at me now because I deleted the status off facebook and her comment, simply wanting to avoid drama. I can't win either way.
Right now, I just need to be left alone... How the hell can I express my thoughts and feelings without getting into trouble? I can't keep bottling things up... *sigh*
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midnight21
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I've been feeling agitated lately so I figure I'd lighten up with another guilty pleasure list.
*Fireworks, especially a good display of them
*Twilight. I don't particularly care for the movie but I love the books, reading them again.
*A long walk in the park at dusk
*Fairgrounds
*People watching- especially the eccentric ones that dress old fashioned and have weird pets.
*Vera Wang Princess and Marc Jacobs Daisy perfumes at cheap prices
*Spending time with friends and family
*Being lucky enough to meet new people when opportunity comes
*Being single and loving it
*watching people with little kids and babies
*Disney world (What theme park do you suggest?)
*Helping others from large tasks to small
*Decorating magazines
*Collecting Jewelry
*Starry night skies in the country. You just can't see the constellations in the city very well.
*Public Enemies, Harry Potter and New Moon trailer. I'd love to see them!
*Getting new clothes for the summer
*Long walks
*Flea markets
*Farm Town on Facebook. I'm not much for applications and farming, but that application won me over. For facebook, it's a pretty good game and slightly addictive.
*Kettle Corn, Funnel Cakes,Cook outs, and snacks only available in the summer time.
*Going out to the lake to get your feet wet or just stare at it for awhile under a tree
What are yours?
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midnight21
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| Time: | 6:51 pm. |
| Mood: |  annoyed. |
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I really don't understand how women could love abusive men and would even want to go back to them after leaving for a short period of time. If a woman was smart, she'd leave the bastard when opportunity comes and never even think once about letting him back into her life. Like how I handled Derek in a rather harsh, almost cruel way. He was lucky that I had forgiven him.
I don't understand love at all anymore. It's getting to the point where I can truly appreciate being single now and I don't want to fall in love ever again. It's not that I hate men with the fire of 10,000 suns now, it's just that I'm really afraid of getting hurt like my friends are.
I just hope there's someone out there who can warm my heart up and help me trust a man again...
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midnight21
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| Time: | 4:55 pm. |
| Mood: |  bored. |
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Blah. Why do Sundays have to be so boring?
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midnight21
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While I stayed over at my dad's house on the 3rd, I had a dream... it was a dark, cloudy night and I was lost in a forest. However, unlike most forests that are completely filled with life, this one is dead. Instead of greens, flowers, and live animals, it had charred dead trees from a fire, rotting plant life, and ... dead animals. Everywhere I looked there rotting corpses of animals, even endangered species gutted like deer, suggested that they have been hunted. I turned green at the sight and started choking from the putrid smell.
Then I heard laughter in the distance and footsteps. Chills crawled up my spine. I wanted to run or scream but I couldn't, frozen in terror. I heard the words you're next. Then my entire world became black and I woke up.
I wonder what this dream means... I looked up the word corpse on dreammoods.com and it came up with this answer:
Corpse
To see a corpse in your dream, represents an aspect of yourself that has died. Or it may mean that you are unexpressive. You have shut yourself down and are dead inside.
Is it true? Is a piece of me truly dead after my Grandmother's funeral? My love for art, digital/anthro art, deviantART, and other forms of it? I'm shaking because art was something that stayed with me since childhood and now it might be gone forever. I hope to God this isn't true. I really don't want to leave deviantART and never update the site ever again...
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midnight21
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| Time: | 2:17 am. |
| Mood: |  giddy. | | Music: | Amelie Soundtrack. |
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July 4th was a wonderful day. Better than I had expected! When I came home from my dad's place yesterday with family festivities, I figured I might just hang out with April for awhile and come home. Instead...I ended up staying with her the whole time and met her "family" who openly adopted her like their own. I was surprised as hell how much they seemed to like me and seemed to accept me rather quick, especially Daryl. I blushed 40 shades of red when he thought of me as a total sweetheart- a really nice gal and...normal. I nearly choked on my coke I was drinking. I feel sorry for Daryl though. He thinks his family is screwed up- wait until he meets mine.
I know one thing for sure... Oshkosh's fireworks are definitely better than Fisk. I was amazed and couldn't believe that I almost missed this, due to not having a ride, which i ended up getting. It would blow any small town person away. I guess they have more money I suppose. And when you have money you can do so much more for a huge crowd. It lasted for 40 minutes and didn't get home until 11:40.
This might be one of the best fourth of julys I had in a long while to be honest. And all my prayers were answered this week too but one and that is the love issue regarding someone i know and feel a strong bond to since childhood... the problem is distance and the fact we're both hard to reach. I suppose God is working on this and it's fine. Sometimes I'm happy with being single anyway and appreciate the freedom, especially now after dealing with drama again. we'll just see what happens i guess.
2009 isn't such a bad year after all.
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midnight21
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| Time: | 2:50 am. |
| Mood: |  grateful. |
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Everything is going to be okay. All my prayers have been answered except for the boyfriend one except for maybe a hint, but that's okay. The only thing I care about right now is everyone else's needs above my own. Especially April's need for a cure from cancer and Becca's safety. It's truly a miracle that she'll be free very shortly and home where she belongs so she can start her life over again. As for April, she is pretty close to winning her cancer battle and is using it to help others in the near future. I can't be anymore proud of her than I am right now.
I'm so happy now that I'm literally crying. This has never happened before in such a long time... Thank you God. Thank you.
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midnight21
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| Time: | 11:13 am. |
| Mood: |  worried. |
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Please pray for my close friend Becca Johansson. I am still worried that her abusive fiance and so called friend may manipulate her into staying in Canada when she needs health care and her family... and her mother is worried sick about her. If only she'd be home in Sweden safely by the 7th. I'll feel so much better then.
Thank you.
P.S. I also have a special request for Canadians out there: Do any of you know anything about immigration and contact information? I need it so I can fast forward it to her mother and I have a hard time finding it on google. Thanks.
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midnight21
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| Time: | 3:01 am. |
| Mood: |  calm. |
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Today went much better than the past few days and I can't be anymore grateful than to have my friend April over to spend the night. I decided that a whole day without being online would do me some good and went to the fairgrounds and grabbed a bite to eat. of course later we went to the library and she showed me more stuff about college, which makes me feel secure about it again. Especially now that I'm going for an even cheaper degree, Printing. I feel that this is appropriate for me since it's only part time and the classes i'm taking seem rather easy and manageable, except for one little math class. My fear of debt is also a thing of the past now too since I do have ways to get around it in case if financial aid/pall grants doesn't cover everything. All I need to do is to make an appointment with my advisor and make a minor correction in my application.
I'm going to be okay now. I'm honest. I'm cool, calm, and collected, even though I'm still worried for my friend's safety. But that too has a good plan and I feel calm that there is indeed a way, and God must be working hard to grant my wish. Right now, boyfriends are the last thing on my mind and I could care less about them. If my friend comes home safe, then I'll be happy, for all I wanted right now is her to be free and getting her life on track again.
I'm just sorry if I sounded a bit whiny here or worried you all. I think the end of this week and next week will get better.
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banshi_no_yume
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Dear asshat,
Where can I begin? You used to literally torture me in high school. You seemed to gain a great deal of pleasure from adding to my misery. Why? I don't know. I guess you thought it was funny to pick on someone that clearly already had enough problems. When I told our math teacher about the things you did to me, she cried. You're a sadistic scumbag, and you gave me hell.
You sprayed perfume into my face at close range. I am allergic to it, and you knew that. You and your friends laughed as I nearly choked to death trying to stumble to the nurse's office. I sat for four hours without a shirt in a tiny little room while I waited for my mom to bring me a clean shirt.
You pulled my hair so much that it started to thin, so I had to cut it.
You talked your little friends into harassing me via the internet, so that I not only had to deal with you at school, but when I got home, as well. One of your little bitch cronies thought it would be a good idea to 'remind' me that I was useless, disgustingly fat, and to tell me that I should lie down in traffic.
When I found your phone number and called you to try and make peace, you encouraged me to kill myself, and assured me that nobody would miss me, and that perhaps I should take my mother with me so she wouldn't have to be ashamed of me anymore.
You started rumors that I was going to shoot up the school.
You made a general example of me, and made my high school life more of a living hell than it already was.
Why I did not kill you is yet to be explained.
Believe me, there would be no greater satisfaction than to drive my fist into your smug face.
The faculty gave up on trying to help me put a stop to your bullshit because they were too concerned with who knows what. Whatever the case, they let it go on. And I wasn't the only one you singled out, there were other unfortunate souls that because the subject of your sick games, and as for them, I can't say if anything was ever done. I doubt it, however.
So when I graduated and left all that nonsense behind, I thought all that shit was over.
But no. Because we live in a relatively small town and there are very few places to shop, I keep running into you all over the place.
You seem to find great humor in coming up to me and pretending that we are friends.
Some news for you, motherfucker.
We are not, nor will we ever be, friends.
Not even close.
Because I'm the better person, I tried to let it go, let you go on with your pathetic, meaningless life, and me with mine.
You seem to seek me out, like some kind of parasite, and when you find me, you latch on and suck all the pleasantness out of my day.
With that said, I have a few things I'd like to 'request' of you, though this letter is written as a means of venting rather than an actual, deliverable note.
Please do not approach me in public. You are a piece of shit, and you are lucky that I do not fuck your shit all up, because I generally travel armed, and I have an anger management problem where your presence is concerned.
Again, I am the better person, so I can't say that I'd go so far as to kill you, but I don't know that I could resist the temptation to rearrange your face if given another opportunity.
Please do not talk to my mother. She is in total agreement that you are a waste of space and oxygen, and I'd rather you not shit all over her morning/afternoon/evening, whatever the case may be.
I hope you're reincarnated into some variety of slimy paramecium. It would suit you.
In the meantime, why not try doing something meaningful with your life?
Something somewhere far, far away from me. Far away from all the people that are still in this dump of a town that you made into victims.
Just, honestly, get the fuck out.
While you're at it, take your bitchy, shallow, plastic-hearted little female followers; who I seem to see hanging off you every time we meet, despite the obvious fact that you are disturbingly, overwhelmingly gay.
With all this said, I really only have one more thing to say.
Fuck you; and I hope you choke.
No love, only deep-rooted hatred that isn't often given,
Stephanie, or as you so kindly called me, "The Beast"
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midnight21
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| Time: | 1:34 pm. |
| Mood: |  depressed. |
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I'm contemplating on giving up drawing... for the past 2 months, almost 3 nothing turned out right and I'm beginning to wonder if it's even worth trying anymore. This art block is so deep that I'm actually starting to lose interest in it since my grandma died. Worse yet, I also have doubt on tech school again wondering if I should even go at this time due to the economy and fear of debt...
I am so tired from everything... physically and mentally. I just don't know how much longer I'm going to last anymore.
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midnight21
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Finally, this heat wave is over for now. Despite the tossing and turning last night, it was quite pleasant to feel a very cool breeze through my open bedroom window, sweeping over my body. A night without heavy sweating. Then I drifted off to a heavy sleep.
Then I had a dream that I had a baby with someone, the father unknown and nowhere to be seen. The baby was a girl and I was holding and feeding her. My fingers brushed against her chubby cheek. I think that's what the dream was basically about. My hypothetical daughter. Then I wake up feeling relaxed.
That's the first baby dream I had in awhile among the sea of family life and baby dreams. I wonder if it's some sort of sign.
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tragicwaste's Friends Page
contemplative.