¤..these are the veins in which i love you..¤

..

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 06:47:01 GMT

I think believing in some sort of religious system makes coping with life a lot easier. Believing that there is some all-powerful being up there can take such a huge weight off of your shoulders. Knowing that your prayers are being listened to and, if you really do believe, maybe they’ll actually be answered.

If only.

Unfortunately for me. I have no clue what I believe.

A person you love goes into the hospital and is in a coma. What do you do?

Nothing. I’m not a doctor. I’m not a healer. I’m not a believer in anything.

I used to pray. I don’t know if I actually believed in something or if it was just routine for me. It was drilled into me so much at Catholic school that sometimes praying just comes as a reaction..

A person has a heart attack and collapses 20 feet away from you. What do you do?. In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.. Hail Mary, full of grace”

Sure, I know the words. I say them with my family when we go to the cemetery. I know the whole routine at church so well I could practically do it in my sleep. But none of the words or routines ever have any meaning to me.

And I feel like. When someone I love or someone I don’t even know gets hurt, all I can do is stand there. I could pray. But the effort seems useless when I haven’t even the vaguest idea of who I’m praying to or if there even is something to pray to. And every time I instinctively think about praying for someone, I stop myself and think.. Why am I even doing this if the words have no meaning to me? Why should I pray when praying means nothing to me?

New Car?

Tue, 10 Oct 2006 18:59:21 GMT

I want a new car.

Yes. Indeed.

Although it can be exciting wondering whether or not my current car is going to completely shut down while I'm driving out of UNLV's parking garage. Or trying to decipher what new liquid is leaking out of it this week.

Problem is, I'm broke.

I've never bought a car and made payments on it before. So, I really have no clue what I'm looking for.

I found this one car that I think is pretty nifty, though.

The Mazda 3 2007.. or something like that. I like the style and the size of it.

From most websites I look at, it seems like this car would be around $18,000-$20,000. Although, I have no clue if that's complete crap or if there would be billions of extra fees from the dealership.

I went to Edmunds.com and selected this car. Automatic. With a Moonroof and 6 disc CD changer. And the price came out as $18,328. (The site had me put in my zip code and whatnot to get prices in my area)

That seems like a decent price. So I dunno if that means that the car is total crap or maybe just the website is where I got the price from. Consumer Reports had a little check mark next to this car saying that it was "recommended" but I'm not gona pay 20 bucks or whatever a month to read their whole report. Anyone have any clue about this car?

I just want something that's a little more roomy than mine, but one that's not a huge boat. I wanna start taking more road trips to Cali or whatever so a slightly more comfortable car that's not a gas guzzler would be better.

I was also curious as to what my monthly payments would be on this car too. I know it depends on a few factors like how much of a down payment you put, your credit, when you buy the car, where you but it from, and whatever else. I was just lookin for a rough estimate, though. If I put $2,000 or so down. And if my credit should be pretty good (I've always made my credit card payments on time and I've never gone over on my card.) So, any clues as to what the monthly payments might possibly be for the car?

I'm asuming the bast way to figure all of this out would be to go to a dealership. But I really don't wanna. Especially considering this wouldn't be happening for another couple months anyways.

give me a ring-a-ling..

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 08:35:15 GMT

So, I'd really like some help here, peoples..

I've decided that in October I'm probably just going to start paying for my own cell bill. Just pretty much break away from my parent's plan and get my own. Therefore, I really don't need to stay with Verizon. But it's really the only cell company I've ever known/had. And yeah, if I switched companies I couldn't get that nifty phone I wanted but, I'm sure I'd survive.

So, I'd kinda like some feedback on the companies. I checked out a plan through Verizon. And T-Mobile. But I'm really not sure. Which has better phone service. Or if any fuck you over with little extra charges. Or anything. But, here's basically what I need..

-Maybe something like 300 minutes. I really don't talk that much on my phone. I mean, that could change once I get my new phone if it actually doesn't suck. But, I really don't see myself talking much over that.
-Free nights and weekends. (Not necessary, but it might be kinda helpful)
-At least 500 text/picture messages. I text more than anything. 500 is probably the absolute minimum I would need, in all honestly. Especially once I get a picture phone and can actually send pictures to people.
-I don't know if all/many companies do this, but I'd really like to keep the same number I have now.

Free mobile to mobile doesn't really matter that much to me. I mean, I have it with Verizon and it hardly does crap. I think I know about 4 people who have Verizon. Same with all the other companies, though. I don't really know too many people with the same company. So, ::shrugs::.

Alright people, so.. from personal experience/research/whatever what company do you think I should look into. This doesn't need to be done until October. So, I have some time. And I'm sure by then some companies will have new deals or lower/higher rates. But, oh well. This is just so I can get an idea of what company I might want. And so I can maybe start lookin at some more nifty phones. :)

and i want life in every word..

Mon, 03 Jul 2006 07:46:49 GMT

These phones make my pants happy..

Yeah, so pretty much, come October I can finally get a new phone. And today I was bored so I decided to look around and figure how much money I need to start saving up. I'm going to go into the Verizon store tomorrow. But, here are some of the phones I'm thinkin about.

LG VX9800

I guess that's the model for it. I was loking at the actual Verizon website and they had this phone on there but it had a completely different name. Whatever though. I read some reviews on it. About two of them spoke very highly about the phone. The rest just kinda said it was mediocre. Obviously, the full keypad is the main feature of this phone. But, really, I do text a lot but I do just fine typing out my words on just a regular number pad. It doesn't bother me at all. What intrigued me about this phone was the style. The fairly larger screen with speakers on either side seems pretty nifty too.

Nokia 6305i

I couldn't really find many reviews on this phone. (But I didn't look that hard either.) It's pretty low on my list. I just think it looks really nifty. Maybe I'll look more into it later.

Samsung SCH-A930

Most of the reviews I read about this phone said that it was an all-around decent phone. Not severely lacking in ant areas. But not really ahead of the game either. I mostly like the front of this phone. The cute little screen. And the music controls that are all nifty and.. right there. The reviews also said that the camera is pretty nifty because the lense can be moved around and whatnot.

Samsung SCH-A990

Well, pretty much just looking at this phone makes me all excited. I love the design. Hah. But I don't know. I found this on one website under the "upcoming verizon phones" category. I tried looking around for when it comes out or if maybe it's already out but all I could find were articles saying how the FCC approoved the phone and that it'll be out soon. But those were all back from April. So, fuck if I know. I found pretty much no reviews on this phone, probably because it's not out yet. I just found a few stats. It seems pretty general except for the fact that the camera is 3.2 megapixel which I think is fucking awesome. Considering most of the other phones were like 1.2 megapixel. Anyways, as of now this is my number one choice. It just figures that it's not out yet and probably won't even be out by October. It'll probably be pretty expensive too.

You see, the last time I bought a cell phone I didn't really put much thought into it. Which ended up kinda sucking. Yeah, sure, it's cute and the screen pops up and whatnot. But it's slow as hell. And I hate talking on it because the quality just really sucks and I can hardly hear what the other person is saying. It doesn't have a camera on it. Which didn't matter at the time. But now I want one with a camera. I couldn't download songs from my computer onto it. Or even download any full songs onto it at all. So, I figure, this time I should put a little more thought and research into it. So, if any of you have any suggestions or input about any of these phones or any other ones I may have missed, I'd really appreciate it. :)

i will follow you into the dark..

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 19:24:38 GMT

I've officially signed up for my UNLV classes.

Yes, for those of you who I haven't told, I've decided on going to UNLV next school year instead of UNR.

I'm still not quite sure how I feel about that.

I think both places have pretty much an equal amount of pros and cons. Which, I guess, made this decision more difficult.

I say I'm staying for my friends. For not being in extreme debt quite yet.

I guess that's true.

But I also think I'm staying because I'm scared.

Because at UNR I have nothing. Aside from a cousin I'd never see and maybe one or two other friends.

That's what used to intrigue me about UNR. Now I think it just scares me.

Oh well. It's not like staying at UNLV is a permanent decision. I could always apply and go to UNR the next year.

But, now, I need a better job. Because I need to move out of my house. Because my mother is driving me insane.

Sun, 14 May 2006 06:56:36 GMT

I said something, in a joking manner, to one of my friends yesterday which, in reflection, I think I actually meant.

I'd rather depend on pills than people, because pills won't let me down

..I think it's bad when I pretty much actually do believe that..

Hm..

you'll fall in love with the moonlight..

Sun, 07 May 2006 07:40:39 GMT

So, my friend and I were talking the other day. About relationships and all that fun stuff. And an interesting subject came up.

I think most people have had a situation like this happen before. Where you have this person (guy or girl), and they are the nicest person you could ever meet. They give you everything. They care about you so much. But, you just aren't attracted to them the way that they are attracted to you. They're not physically unattractive. Or unintelligent. Or anything like that. But still, even if you wanted to so badly, you just couldn't want them the way that they wanted you.

But why?

It's almost like, it's just not worth it. You have nothing to work for, because they've already given you everything.

That's what my friend said. And, you know, it makes a lot of sense.

I've always wondered why I push away the nice guys but cling on for dear life to the assholes. I guess the fact that the nice guys never gave me anything to work for, therefore not really giving me any reason to pursue them, makes a lot of sense. But getting the asshole guy's affection was such a challenge that it just intrigued me more.

Because I think, you'll want and cherish something more if you have to work for it. Then it'll actually mean something more to you, because you had to work for it.

Yay.. school

Sat, 22 Apr 2006 20:35:10 GMT

Went to this advisement thingy for UNR at atech today. Kinda interesting. Hopefully have my schedule picked out. But I can't sign up until May 10th.

MONDAY & WEDNESDAY

11:00 AM – 12:15 PM
(Composition I)

1:00 PM – 2:15 PM
(Principles of Sociology)

4:00 PM – 5:15 PM
(Fund College Math)

TUESDAY & THURSDAY

9:00 AM – 11:30 PM
(Visual Foundations)

1:00 PM – 3:30 PM
(Beg Photography I)

Not too sure about the photography class, though. The advisor said that the teacher for that class is really popular or .. a semi-famous photographer or whatever. So it might be difficult to get it. Especially because I think Freshmen get the last pick of classes. Oh well, I'll just have to figure something else out if that doesn't work out.

I'm kinda excited. I really hope this whole UNR thing works out. I really can't wait to get the hell out of Vegas.

cause i'm missing you to death..

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 05:42:36 GMT

I still miss my grandmother so much..

It just hits me at the strangest times..

There's this song by Brand New off some demo album I downloaded.. I think I've listened to it at least 30 times since I downloaded it about 2 days ago.. It's the first song on my Myspace player right now.

"I am feeling like a veteran,
Uncompensated for the blood I've left to pool on foreign grounds.
And I, Sometimes reach to rub at aching legs,
But they've been dust for over a decade,
And you're the limb i've lost but somehow I still feel it...

Until I awake,
We just hope that you made it.
We hope that you're celebrating.,
With people you miss.
And burning like a beacon,
Guiding our ship around this hellish shoal.
I'm happy to admit that maybe I am a little depressed,
CAUSE I'M MISSING YOU TO DEATH.

And now, It's only records of my memory.
Some little thing you gave posthumously.
The details all dragged out."

I love those lyrics..

Music helps. It really does. Because it's never really let me down. It's never ditched me. Or said that it would call me and never did. Or made me feel worthless.

Because it's far too easy for people to hurt other people.

I hate depending on people. Because then it just hurts that much more when they're gone.

one..

Wed, 12 Apr 2006 17:30:31 GMT

Yesterday was the one month mark or my grandmother's death.

Oh my god, has it really been one month already? It's so hard to believe.

It doesn't even feel like it's been that long.

And even now it's just starting to hit me more and more.

I'm crying myself to sleep more.

I'm happy less.

I hate this..

Fri, 07 Apr 2006 04:38:35 GMT

You guys, I really don't like my life right now.

And I'm not even trying to be emo.

There's just too much shit going on.

My mom got a letter from a-tech today saying that I'm failing World Literature and might not graduate.

And, you know what, I get A's and B's on all my papers in that class. The only reason I'm failing is because I don't "participate in discussion."

I don't really see UNR happening anymore. Because I don't really see the Millennium Scholarship happening anymore. Because I'm a fucking idiot.

So, I'll probably be stuck here. With all this shit that I hate.

I keep having these dreams about my grandma. And they're not really good ones. In most of them, she dies. Over and over.

I hate my job. I used to love working at Target. The time there goes so slow now. And I don't even care if I get paid or not.

My life isn't going to be what I thought it would be.

I wanted, hell, I practically needed to get away and go to UNR. Get away from this old fucking life. That's never going to happen. Because I'm too fucking dumb.

I know some people at a-tech who are getting full rides to Stanford or other colleges like that. Why do I have to be the dumb one of the bunch?

Why does everything have to fall apart all at once..

Mon, 03 Apr 2006 01:48:12 GMT

I fucking hate life right about now.

Boy's aren't really helping the situation right now either. Actually, their stupid fucking asses are making things worse. I fucking hate it.

So much shit going on. I just want to get away from all of this crap. School. Drama. This empty fucking hole in my life.

Whatever though, I'm being dramatic.

Wed, 29 Mar 2006 20:38:18 GMT

So, about a year ago I was caught shoplifting with a friend at Kohls. I had to sign this paper saying that I wouldn't even step foot on their property for another year or I would be arrested for trespassing.

My parents and I decided not to tell my grandmother.

She would always try and get me to take her to Kohls. On the way home from the movies or breakfast she would always say let's go by Kohls, I'll buy you something. And I always made up some lame excuse like I'm tired or no, I don't like Kohls, let's go to the mall instead.

Last weekend I found out that my aunt had told my grandma about the Kohls incident about 6 months ago.

My grandma knew the whole time.

Every time she would ask me to take her to Kohls, she was just screwing with me.

At first this made me laugh, but then it also made my cry a little.

It made me laugh because it just reminded me of what a great personality she had. Even through everything .. diabetes, cancer, kidney failure .. she still had such a great sense of humor. That was one of the things I loved most about her. Just, her radiant personality and her sense of humor. I'm really going to miss that.

But, it made me sad also because, basically, my grandmother died thinking I was a liar. I never told her to her face why I really couldn't go to Kohls. My aunt told her. How horrible does that make me look? All the chances I had to tell her, and I never did. I'm pathetic.

Tattoo?

Sun, 26 Mar 2006 10:24:34 GMT

So, lately I've been thinking about getting a tattoo.

Well, I've wanted a tattoo for awhile now, I've just never known what I wanted.

But I think I want something in remembrance of my grandmother. The thing is, it needs to be perfect. And I have no clue where to start.

It needs to represent her and my love for her. But, how do you do that in one little picture? I'm better at expressing myself in words than pictures.

She loved gardening. She was always looking for some new and beautiful flower to plant out back. She loved playing cards. She and I used to play Rummy together, but I still think I should have taken the time and played cards with her more. She was very religious. Not to the point where she tried to push her religion onto everyone else, but she had great faith in her beliefs. She loved dogs. And pretty much most animals, but dogs especially. She had a great sense of humor. Despite everything she went through, she would always try and keep a smile on her face, and the on faces of everyone around her.

I was thinking something like, a heart with a flower behind it or growing out of it and maybe with some vines or something around the heart. And then, somewhere on it, the date she died and maybe even her initials.

But I think that idea needs some more work. So, does anyone have any ideas? Or know where I could look for some ideas?

I was thinking about putting it on my back, near my left shoulder.

did you know i miss you, god i miss you..

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 01:56:27 GMT

So, tomorrow will be the two week mark.

My grandmother has been gone for almost two weeks.

God, this is harder than I thought it was going to be.

Two weeks. It sounds like such a short period of time. It's felt so long though.

The first few days were spent in denial, I suppose. Even now it's just starting to really hit me. Coming home from school, she's not there. Leaving for work, she's still not there. One day I actually said bye grandma without even realizing it. I cried so much. I don't think a day's gone by that I haven't cried.

I miss her so much.

Sometimes I just sit there on the couch and imagine her sleeping in her chair. (I know, I'm strange.) I almost just want to talk out loud to her sometimes. God, I'm going crazy.

It's like a pain I can't even describe. And trying to describe it just makes it worse.

Sat, 18 Mar 2006 04:46:05 GMT

I miss my grandmother.

Plain and simple.

This house feels so empty.

She was such a big part of my life. And that part is missing now.

So what do I fill it with? Drugs? Sex? Alcohol? No, nothing seems good enough. Nothing could ever fill that void.

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 22:11:52 GMT

My grandmother's obituary was printed in the newspaper today.

I dunno. Just seeing it. Her picture and all. It's just.. hard.

I guess it'll take a little while for things to be okay again.

They posted her obituary on the Review Journal website. But it'll only be there for 30 days.

Sat, 11 Mar 2006 21:04:44 GMT

And today at 11:44am, my grandmother passed away.

And do you know where I was at the time? At home. I should have been there. I got home at 2am last night and I wanted to go back at 8am. But I slept through my alarm.

I should have been there at the hospital with her when she died.

Sat, 11 Mar 2006 19:27:16 GMT

So, yesterday they removed the breathing tube from my grandma. It wasn't under the nurse's or doctor's recommendation. We just wanted my grandma to stop suffering.

When we took the tube out, she started breathing on her own and her vitals were nearly perfect. But she wasn't awake.

But, I will say, her breathing looks so.. mechanical. Almost like, it's not my grandma, but just a machine. When they first took the tube out it was quite loud and harsh, probably because he throat was so sore because of the breathing tube. I got softer and more shallow throughout the night.

My family keeps saying she's in a coma. I don't know if that's what the doctor said or if that's just what my family concluded.

They moved her to another room, out of ICU, last night. But there are no more machines to tell us how she's doing.

We have her on a morphine drip, so she's as comfortable as possible. And, basically, we're just waiting for her to pass. Her doctor said that he didn't think she would make it through the night. But she did. So today someone from a hospice is supposed to come and talk to us. We're basically going to stop giving her dialysis, keep her on the morphine, and wait.

She's so strong. She's always been a fighter. Even through all this. She's still breathing. Her heart's still beating strong.

But I think we've all come to terms with the fact that my grandma s not going to be here with us anymore. Waiting is the hardest part.

Fri, 10 Mar 2006 05:06:15 GMT

She's getting so skinny. It's scary.

The neurologist talked to my aunt today and said that he still has a little hope. Which doesn't really get me too excited because it seems like just another, more optimistic way, of saying I don't have much hope.

Most of us think, at this point, that it would be best just to let her go. It's not like if she woke up she would be just like she was before. She would have to go through physical therapy. And so much more. She's in her 5th year of bone marrow cancer. She has diabetes. And she's on dialysis.

Despite all of that, though, she still loved life.

But the selfish part of me wants her back. The selfish part of me wants to be able to go to the movies with her and play cards with her again. Most of you who read this don't really know my grandma. But she is amazing. (It's dificult here. My brain wants to use past tense terms when talking about my grandma. But my heart won't let me.) She has one of the best personalities of anyone I've ever known. And she really is loved. Our whole family is constantly in that ICU waiting room. Even the nurses have commented on it. We have a family member there 24/7.

I dunno. I know it would be best for my grandma if we were to just let her go. But I feel like there's so much time I missed out on spending with her. I remember writing an entry about this awhile ago. How I wanted to spend more time with my grandma because I knew that if I didn't I would regret it later on after she was gone. And it's true. I should have spent more time at home. I should have played cards with her after school and before work, instead of taking a nap. That's the thing about life. The only two definite things are that we are born and that we will die. And there's no way of going back and changing the things you wish you would have done differently.

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 06:23:47 GMT

It's all so much like a roller-coaster.

That'll teach me a lesson. Never to get my hopes up.

Yesterday the neurologist says there's no brain damage, and they started trying to wake her up. Today the pulmonary doctor says she doesn't seem to be responding much and that he doesn't have much hope. And yet he still wants to keep her on life support for another 4 to 7 days.

Her brain is swollen, for some reason. So any brain scan they do isn't going to be completely accurate, they say. So, pretty much, when they told us that she had no brain damage, they could have been completely wrong.

The pulmonary doctor says that he doesn't see much of my grandma left in her (he's the only one of the doctors there that has actually treated my grandma before.)

She's blinking now. When she hears us talking or whenever she hears any loud-ish noise. But the pulmonary doctor says that could just be a reaction, nothing to really prove that she's the same, or even alright at all.

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 05:40:00 GMT

So, much better news today.

The neurologist came in today and said that my grandma has no brain damage. Well, at least, that’s what the nurse told us. I think the only member of my family that has actually seen the neurologist is my cousin Kele, and that was only for like 30 seconds. Hm.

But, yes. So, now they’re trying to wake her up. They’re slowly taking her off of the medication. You can kinda tell. Her heart rate is going up. Her eyelids are kinda half open, but it’s kinda scary because her eyes are a little rolled back, so you can only see the white part. I was in her room with Kele earlier, Kele was talking to her and you could see my grandma’s purdy blue eyes roll down a little. Also, I wasn’t in her room when this happened, but supposedly my grandma kinda shifted her whole body, which is more movement than she’s done this entire time.

I guess these are all good signs.

But, there are still two major factors in determining whether or not my grandma will be coming home with us anytime at all.

We’re still not sure if she’ll be able to breathe on her own. But, even under heavy sedation she was taking 3 breaths a minute on her own. So that seems like a good sign.

Also, I think I’ve mentioned this before, when my grandma starts waking up more and starts coming off the medication, the shock of everything might send her into cardiac arrest (?). But they’re taking her off really slowly so maybe it wont be too rough for her. They might have to restrain her, though, when she starts waking up more, so she doesn’t try to rip the breathing tube out of her throat. I just hate that they have to wait until she’s awake to take out the breathing tube. I suppose that’s the best way to do it to ensure she has the best chance of breathing on her own. But still, it’s going to be hell on her.

I have no clue when she’s going to be almost fully awake. I thought it would be today. But I guess not. Maybe tomorrow. My aunt Kathy came into town today, she’s staying with us. And my aunt Karen comes in tomorrow, she’s also staying with us. Should be a full house.

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 21:53:51 GMT

Today has been a little better. ..Aside from school.

Teil, her puppy, Gabe, Worl, and Riefler all came to visit me after school today. Cheered me up a lil. Teil and her puppy were just chillin on my car when I walked out. 'Twas fun. We all went and ate. Then Teil and I went to the mall. Her puppy peed on me. Fun stuff. I miss those kids. I really need to hang out with them more.

From what I hear, there's not much change with my grandma. Today we're supposed to be getting the results of the cat scan. But, who knows, it still might not be for another day or so. Hm. I'll probably head to the hospital soon. Stay for a few hours. Then go back with my mom later tonight at like 7. I really hope we get some new news today. Good or bad.

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 06:08:03 GMT

It's like constantly wanting to cry but not even having enough tears.

This house is so empty without my grandma in it. I can't even imagine it being like this forever. I don't want to imagine that.

And to think, on Saturday night, if everything would have happened about 30 minutes later. She would have died peacefully in her bed. Warm. Comfortable. With her dog lying next to her. I wonder if that would have been better.

It's difficult, though. To say if one thing would have been better than another. Because we still don't know if she's going to make it. Earlier the nurse said that she could hear us talking. Then later she said that my grandma had minimal brain activity. But then she said that could also be because they had sedated her so much.

I couldn't sleep last night. It's like, whenever I'm awake my mind is going a million miles a minute thinking about everything. But when I'm asleep, all I dream about is grandma coming home. And the whole family sitting around her in the living room, talking.. like we always do at family parties. But then I wake up and it hurts all over again. It's like your brain is constantly tricking you.

Hey, she's home! Be happy!
Really?
Ha! No.
Oh.. :(

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 00:06:10 GMT

So, my mom is pretty much going crazy.

She's cleaning the entire house. Last night at 3am, she cleaned the entire ICU waiting room.

So, initially when everything first happened we were going to make a decision of whether or not to keep grandma on life support within 24 hours, then it was in 3 days, now it's in 3 more days. I mean, I want to give this situation as much hope as possible. But I know that it's not what she wanted. She didn't want to just lie there, with tubes everywhere, just hanging on.

They did a brain scan today. But who knows how long it'll take until we get the results. From what I hear, we could get them anytime from this evening to 3 days from now. :/

The nurses say that everything is looking good with her heart.

One of them also said that my grandma can hear everyting we say. But, I'm not too sure how the nurse would know something like that.