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Wednesday, November 8th, 2006

(6 went analog || you’re so post-modern)

Subject:..
Time:11:47 pm.
I think believing in some sort of religious system makes coping with life a lot easier. Believing that there is some all-powerful being up there can take such a huge weight off of your shoulders. Knowing that your prayers are being listened to and, if you really do believe, maybe they’ll actually be answered.

If only.

Unfortunately for me. I have no clue what I believe.

A person you love goes into the hospital and is in a coma. What do you do?

Nothing. I’m not a doctor. I’m not a healer. I’m not a believer in anything.

I used to pray. I don’t know if I actually believed in something or if it was just routine for me. It was drilled into me so much at Catholic school that sometimes praying just comes as a reaction..

A person has a heart attack and collapses 20 feet away from you. What do you do?. In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.. Hail Mary, full of grace”

Sure, I know the words. I say them with my family when we go to the cemetery. I know the whole routine at church so well I could practically do it in my sleep. But none of the words or routines ever have any meaning to me.

And I feel like. When someone I love or someone I don’t even know gets hurt, all I can do is stand there. I could pray. But the effort seems useless when I haven’t even the vaguest idea of who I’m praying to or if there even is something to pray to. And every time I instinctively think about praying for someone, I stop myself and think.. Why am I even doing this if the words have no meaning to me? Why should I pray when praying means nothing to me?

Monday, October 23rd, 2006

(1 went analog || you’re so post-modern)

Subject:and so i fall
Time:10:05 pm.
Seven months and twelve days.

My grandmother has been dead for seven months and twelve days.

I'm not religious. I don't really believe in much. And yet I still think that my grandmother sees me and is disappointed in me every single day of my life.

I'm nowhere near where I thought I would be eight months ago.

I wish my mother would have kept my grandmother's room like it was longer than she actually did. I know that she doesn't really rely on physical things to comfort her or to renew lost memories. But I do. I go into my grandmother's room now and it was like she was never even there. I try to find at least one thing to hold on to. But there's nothing.

My grandma always said that all she wanted was to at least live to see all of her grandchildren graduate. She saw everyone but me. She died three months before she even ever had the chance. Hell, I didn't even go to my own graduation.

Sometimes I don't think it's fair, being the youngest. I feel like I get jipped out on so many things. But, then again, I was the grandchild who actually got to live with my grandmother. And I completely took that for granted. I always thought there was so much time. Well where the fuck did the time go with her. I always knew that I would regret not spending more time with my grandmother. I never really expected it to hurt this much, though.

I am so worthless. And I am such a disappointment. Plain and simple.

Tuesday, October 10th, 2006

(2 went analog || you’re so post-modern)

Subject:New Car?
Time:11:59 am.
I want a new car.

Yes. Indeed.

Although it can be exciting wondering whether or not my current car is going to completely shut down while I'm driving out of UNLV's parking garage. Or trying to decipher what new liquid is leaking out of it this week.

Problem is, I'm broke.

I've never bought a car and made payments on it before. So, I really have no clue what I'm looking for.

I found this one car that I think is pretty nifty, though.

The Mazda 3 2007.. or something like that. I like the style and the size of it.

From most websites I look at, it seems like this car would be around $18,000-$20,000. Although, I have no clue if that's complete crap or if there would be billions of extra fees from the dealership.

I went to Edmunds.com and selected this car. Automatic. With a Moonroof and 6 disc CD changer. And the price came out as $18,328. (The site had me put in my zip code and whatnot to get prices in my area)

That seems like a decent price. So I dunno if that means that the car is total crap or maybe just the website is where I got the price from. Consumer Reports had a little check mark next to this car saying that it was "recommended" but I'm not gona pay 20 bucks or whatever a month to read their whole report. Anyone have any clue about this car?

I just want something that's a little more roomy than mine, but one that's not a huge boat. I wanna start taking more road trips to Cali or whatever so a slightly more comfortable car that's not a gas guzzler would be better.

I was also curious as to what my monthly payments would be on this car too. I know it depends on a few factors like how much of a down payment you put, your credit, when you buy the car, where you but it from, and whatever else. I was just lookin for a rough estimate, though. If I put $2,000 or so down. And if my credit should be pretty good (I've always made my credit card payments on time and I've never gone over on my card.) So, any clues as to what the monthly payments might possibly be for the car?

I'm asuming the bast way to figure all of this out would be to go to a dealership. But I really don't wanna. Especially considering this wouldn't be happening for another couple months anyways.

Wednesday, July 5th, 2006

(6 went analog || you’re so post-modern)

Subject:give me a ring-a-ling..
Time:1:17 am.
So, I'd really like some help here, peoples..

I've decided that in October I'm probably just going to start paying for my own cell bill. Just pretty much break away from my parent's plan and get my own. Therefore, I really don't need to stay with Verizon. But it's really the only cell company I've ever known/had. And yeah, if I switched companies I couldn't get that nifty phone I wanted but, I'm sure I'd survive.

So, I'd kinda like some feedback on the companies. I checked out a plan through Verizon. And T-Mobile. But I'm really not sure. Which has better phone service. Or if any fuck you over with little extra charges. Or anything. But, here's basically what I need..

-Maybe something like 300 minutes. I really don't talk that much on my phone. I mean, that could change once I get my new phone if it actually doesn't suck. But, I really don't see myself talking much over that.
-Free nights and weekends. (Not necessary, but it might be kinda helpful)
-At least 500 text/picture messages. I text more than anything. 500 is probably the absolute minimum I would need, in all honestly. Especially once I get a picture phone and can actually send pictures to people.
-I don't know if all/many companies do this, but I'd really like to keep the same number I have now.

Free mobile to mobile doesn't really matter that much to me. I mean, I have it with Verizon and it hardly does crap. I think I know about 4 people who have Verizon. Same with all the other companies, though. I don't really know too many people with the same company. So, ::shrugs::.

Alright people, so.. from personal experience/research/whatever what company do you think I should look into. This doesn't need to be done until October. So, I have some time. And I'm sure by then some companies will have new deals or lower/higher rates. But, oh well. This is just so I can get an idea of what company I might want. And so I can maybe start lookin at some more nifty phones. :)

Monday, July 3rd, 2006

(3 went analog || you’re so post-modern)

Subject:and i want life in every word..
Time:12:46 am.
These phones make my pants happy..


Yeah, so pretty much, come October I can finally get a new phone. And today I was bored so I decided to look around and figure how much money I need to start saving up. I'm going to go into the Verizon store tomorrow. But, here are some of the phones I'm thinkin about.



LG VX9800



I guess that's the model for it. I was loking at the actual Verizon website and they had this phone on there but it had a completely different name. Whatever though. I read some reviews on it. About two of them spoke very highly about the phone. The rest just kinda said it was mediocre. Obviously, the full keypad is the main feature of this phone. But, really, I do text a lot but I do just fine typing out my words on just a regular number pad. It doesn't bother me at all. What intrigued me about this phone was the style. The fairly larger screen with speakers on either side seems pretty nifty too.



Nokia 6305i



I couldn't really find many reviews on this phone. (But I didn't look that hard either.) It's pretty low on my list. I just think it looks really nifty. Maybe I'll look more into it later.



Samsung SCH-A930



Most of the reviews I read about this phone said that it was an all-around decent phone. Not severely lacking in ant areas. But not really ahead of the game either. I mostly like the front of this phone. The cute little screen. And the music controls that are all nifty and.. right there. The reviews also said that the camera is pretty nifty because the lense can be moved around and whatnot.



Samsung SCH-A990



Well, pretty much just looking at this phone makes me all excited. I love the design. Hah. But I don't know. I found this on one website under the "upcoming verizon phones" category. I tried looking around for when it comes out or if maybe it's already out but all I could find were articles saying how the FCC approoved the phone and that it'll be out soon. But those were all back from April. So, fuck if I know. I found pretty much no reviews on this phone, probably because it's not out yet. I just found a few stats. It seems pretty general except for the fact that the camera is 3.2 megapixel which I think is fucking awesome. Considering most of the other phones were like 1.2 megapixel. Anyways, as of now this is my number one choice. It just figures that it's not out yet and probably won't even be out by October. It'll probably be pretty expensive too.




You see, the last time I bought a cell phone I didn't really put much thought into it. Which ended up kinda sucking. Yeah, sure, it's cute and the screen pops up and whatnot. But it's slow as hell. And I hate talking on it because the quality just really sucks and I can hardly hear what the other person is saying. It doesn't have a camera on it. Which didn't matter at the time. But now I want one with a camera. I couldn't download songs from my computer onto it. Or even download any full songs onto it at all. So, I figure, this time I should put a little more thought and research into it. So, if any of you have any suggestions or input about any of these phones or any other ones I may have missed, I'd really appreciate it. :)

Friday, June 23rd, 2006

(you’re so post-modern)

Subject:i will follow you into the dark..
Time:12:22 pm.
I've officially signed up for my UNLV classes.

Yes, for those of you who I haven't told, I've decided on going to UNLV next school year instead of UNR.

I'm still not quite sure how I feel about that.

I think both places have pretty much an equal amount of pros and cons. Which, I guess, made this decision more difficult.

I say I'm staying for my friends. For not being in extreme debt quite yet.

I guess that's true.

But I also think I'm staying because I'm scared.

Because at UNR I have nothing. Aside from a cousin I'd never see and maybe one or two other friends.

That's what used to intrigue me about UNR. Now I think it just scares me.

Oh well. It's not like staying at UNLV is a permanent decision. I could always apply and go to UNR the next year.



But, now, I need a better job. Because I need to move out of my house. Because my mother is driving me insane.

Saturday, May 13th, 2006

(1 went analog || you’re so post-modern)

Time:11:55 pm.
I said something, in a joking manner, to one of my friends yesterday which, in reflection, I think I actually meant.

I'd rather depend on pills than people, because pills won't let me down


..I think it's bad when I pretty much actually do believe that..


Hm..

Sunday, May 7th, 2006

(you’re so post-modern)

Subject:you'll fall in love with the moonlight..
Time:12:40 am.
So, my friend and I were talking the other day. About relationships and all that fun stuff. And an interesting subject came up.

I think most people have had a situation like this happen before. Where you have this person (guy or girl), and they are the nicest person you could ever meet. They give you everything. They care about you so much. But, you just aren't attracted to them the way that they are attracted to you. They're not physically unattractive. Or unintelligent. Or anything like that. But still, even if you wanted to so badly, you just couldn't want them the way that they wanted you.

But why?

It's almost like, it's just not worth it. You have nothing to work for, because they've already given you everything.

That's what my friend said. And, you know, it makes a lot of sense.

I've always wondered why I push away the nice guys but cling on for dear life to the assholes. I guess the fact that the nice guys never gave me anything to work for, therefore not really giving me any reason to pursue them, makes a lot of sense. But getting the asshole guy's affection was such a challenge that it just intrigued me more.

Because I think, you'll want and cherish something more if you have to work for it. Then it'll actually mean something more to you, because you had to work for it.

Saturday, April 22nd, 2006

(you’re so post-modern)

Subject:Yay.. school
Time:1:34 pm.
Went to this advisement thingy for UNR at atech today. Kinda interesting. Hopefully have my schedule picked out. But I can't sign up until May 10th.


MONDAY & WEDNESDAY

11:00 AM – 12:15 PM
(Composition I)

1:00 PM – 2:15 PM
(Principles of Sociology)

4:00 PM – 5:15 PM
(Fund College Math)


TUESDAY & THURSDAY

9:00 AM – 11:30 PM
(Visual Foundations)

1:00 PM – 3:30 PM
(Beg Photography I)


Not too sure about the photography class, though. The advisor said that the teacher for that class is really popular or .. a semi-famous photographer or whatever. So it might be difficult to get it. Especially because I think Freshmen get the last pick of classes. Oh well, I'll just have to figure something else out if that doesn't work out.

I'm kinda excited. I really hope this whole UNR thing works out. I really can't wait to get the hell out of Vegas.

Tuesday, April 18th, 2006

(3 went analog || you’re so post-modern)

Subject:cause i'm missing you to death..
Time:10:41 pm.
I still miss my grandmother so much..

It just hits me at the strangest times..

There's this song by Brand New off some demo album I downloaded.. I think I've listened to it at least 30 times since I downloaded it about 2 days ago.. It's the first song on my Myspace player right now.

"I am feeling like a veteran,
Uncompensated for the blood I've left to pool on foreign grounds.
And I, Sometimes reach to rub at aching legs,
But they've been dust for over a decade,
And you're the limb i've lost but somehow I still feel it...

Until I awake,
We just hope that you made it.
We hope that you're celebrating.,
With people you miss.
And burning like a beacon,
Guiding our ship around this hellish shoal.
I'm happy to admit that maybe I am a little depressed,
CAUSE I'M MISSING YOU TO DEATH.

And now, It's only records of my memory.
Some little thing you gave posthumously.
The details all dragged out."

I love those lyrics..

Music helps. It really does. Because it's never really let me down. It's never ditched me. Or said that it would call me and never did. Or made me feel worthless.

Because it's far too easy for people to hurt other people.

I hate depending on people. Because then it just hurts that much more when they're gone.

Wednesday, April 12th, 2006

(1 went analog || you’re so post-modern)

Subject:one..
Time:10:30 am.
Yesterday was the one month mark or my grandmother's death.



Oh my god, has it really been one month already? It's so hard to believe.

It doesn't even feel like it's been that long.

And even now it's just starting to hit me more and more.

I'm crying myself to sleep more.

I'm happy less.


I hate this..

Thursday, April 6th, 2006

(5 went analog || you’re so post-modern)

Time:9:38 pm.
You guys, I really don't like my life right now.

And I'm not even trying to be emo.

There's just too much shit going on.

My mom got a letter from a-tech today saying that I'm failing World Literature and might not graduate.

And, you know what, I get A's and B's on all my papers in that class. The only reason I'm failing is because I don't "participate in discussion."

I don't really see UNR happening anymore. Because I don't really see the Millennium Scholarship happening anymore. Because I'm a fucking idiot.

So, I'll probably be stuck here. With all this shit that I hate.

I keep having these dreams about my grandma. And they're not really good ones. In most of them, she dies. Over and over.

I hate my job. I used to love working at Target. The time there goes so slow now. And I don't even care if I get paid or not.

My life isn't going to be what I thought it would be.

I wanted, hell, I practically needed to get away and go to UNR. Get away from this old fucking life. That's never going to happen. Because I'm too fucking dumb.

I know some people at a-tech who are getting full rides to Stanford or other colleges like that. Why do I have to be the dumb one of the bunch?

Why does everything have to fall apart all at once..

Sunday, April 2nd, 2006

(8 went analog || you’re so post-modern)

Time:6:47 pm.
I fucking hate life right about now.

Boy's aren't really helping the situation right now either. Actually, their stupid fucking asses are making things worse. I fucking hate it.

So much shit going on. I just want to get away from all of this crap. School. Drama. This empty fucking hole in my life.

Whatever though, I'm being dramatic.

Wednesday, March 29th, 2006

(3 went analog || you’re so post-modern)

Time:12:36 pm.
So, about a year ago I was caught shoplifting with a friend at Kohls. I had to sign this paper saying that I wouldn't even step foot on their property for another year or I would be arrested for trespassing.

My parents and I decided not to tell my grandmother.

She would always try and get me to take her to Kohls. On the way home from the movies or breakfast she would always say let's go by Kohls, I'll buy you something. And I always made up some lame excuse like I'm tired or no, I don't like Kohls, let's go to the mall instead.

Last weekend I found out that my aunt had told my grandma about the Kohls incident about 6 months ago.

My grandma knew the whole time.

Every time she would ask me to take her to Kohls, she was just screwing with me.

At first this made me laugh, but then it also made my cry a little.

It made me laugh because it just reminded me of what a great personality she had. Even through everything .. diabetes, cancer, kidney failure .. she still had such a great sense of humor. That was one of the things I loved most about her. Just, her radiant personality and her sense of humor. I'm really going to miss that.

But, it made me sad also because, basically, my grandmother died thinking I was a liar. I never told her to her face why I really couldn't go to Kohls. My aunt told her. How horrible does that make me look? All the chances I had to tell her, and I never did. I'm pathetic.

Sunday, March 26th, 2006

(6 went analog || you’re so post-modern)

Subject:Tattoo?
Time:2:22 am.
So, lately I've been thinking about getting a tattoo.

Well, I've wanted a tattoo for awhile now, I've just never known what I wanted.

But I think I want something in remembrance of my grandmother. The thing is, it needs to be perfect. And I have no clue where to start.

It needs to represent her and my love for her. But, how do you do that in one little picture? I'm better at expressing myself in words than pictures.

She loved gardening. She was always looking for some new and beautiful flower to plant out back. She loved playing cards. She and I used to play Rummy together, but I still think I should have taken the time and played cards with her more. She was very religious. Not to the point where she tried to push her religion onto everyone else, but she had great faith in her beliefs. She loved dogs. And pretty much most animals, but dogs especially. She had a great sense of humor. Despite everything she went through, she would always try and keep a smile on her face, and the on faces of everyone around her.

I was thinking something like, a heart with a flower behind it or growing out of it and maybe with some vines or something around the heart. And then, somewhere on it, the date she died and maybe even her initials.

But I think that idea needs some more work. So, does anyone have any ideas? Or know where I could look for some ideas?

I was thinking about putting it on my back, near my left shoulder.

Friday, March 24th, 2006

(4 went analog || you’re so post-modern)

Subject:did you know i miss you, god i miss you..
Time:5:53 pm.
Mood: depressed.
So, tomorrow will be the two week mark.

My grandmother has been gone for almost two weeks.

God, this is harder than I thought it was going to be.

Two weeks. It sounds like such a short period of time. It's felt so long though.

The first few days were spent in denial, I suppose. Even now it's just starting to really hit me. Coming home from school, she's not there. Leaving for work, she's still not there. One day I actually said bye grandma without even realizing it. I cried so much. I don't think a day's gone by that I haven't cried.

I miss her so much.

Sometimes I just sit there on the couch and imagine her sleeping in her chair. (I know, I'm strange.) I almost just want to talk out loud to her sometimes. God, I'm going crazy.

It's like a pain I can't even describe. And trying to describe it just makes it worse.

Friday, March 17th, 2006

(12 went analog || you’re so post-modern)

Time:8:43 pm.
I miss my grandmother.

Plain and simple.

This house feels so empty.

She was such a big part of my life. And that part is missing now.

So what do I fill it with? Drugs? Sex? Alcohol? No, nothing seems good enough. Nothing could ever fill that void.

Tuesday, March 14th, 2006

(4 went analog || you’re so post-modern)

Time:2:07 pm.
My grandmother's obituary was printed in the newspaper today.

I dunno. Just seeing it. Her picture and all. It's just.. hard.

I guess it'll take a little while for things to be okay again.


They posted her obituary on the Review Journal website. But it'll only be there for 30 days.

Saturday, March 11th, 2006

(you’re so post-modern)

Time:11:23 pm.
Saturday night. About 11:30pm.

It's been almost exactly one week since my grandmother first went into the hospital.

One week. That's it. It's amazing what can happen in just one week.


I think religion makes these kinds of situations easier.

It's so much simpler to say God did this for a reason or this is all just part of God's plan than just constantly wondering why. Sometimes I wish I could believe in something. Some religion. Anything. Seems as though it would just be more comforting to me.

She went peacefully, though. That's the important part. Her breathing just got slower and slower until it stopped. No struggle. I think things were the way that she would have wanted them. The night before she died, most of the family was in her room just sitting around her bed, talking, reflecting, laughing. Just as we always did at family parties. And grandma loved that. She loved sitting around listening to us talk.

At the hospital my grandmother was at, Mountain View, they have this three second little lullaby-chime thing that plays every time a baby is born. My cousin said that as soon as my grandmother had passed, that lullaby played. Interesting.

It's still hard to believe that she is gone. It's hard knowing that, when I come home she won't be there, sitting in her chair. I'll never get to play cards with her. Never get to take her shopping again. Heh. I'll never get to help her take her necklaces off when she can't find the little hook thing. This house is going to be so empty without her.


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I'll miss her. I really will.

(4 went analog || you’re so post-modern)

Time:1:01 pm.
And today at 11:44am, my grandmother passed away.

And do you know where I was at the time? At home. I should have been there. I got home at 2am last night and I wanted to go back at 8am. But I slept through my alarm.


I should have been there at the hospital with her when she died.

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